Assuming Men are Sex Machines
We might always be up for it, but that doesn't mean we're always up for it, if you get my drift. Sometimes we need a little coaxing to get a hard-on. Contrary to what you've heard, we're not thinking about sex all the time. Sometimes we think about sport. Or how good a steak would be. See, we have an internal sex clock too. Granted, it's often set to 'Let's' but sometimes you do need to fiddle with the switches a bit and, you know, move the hands.
Forgetting that Guys are Visual Beings
You may have heard of a little thing called porn. Besides making up 70% of the world's Internet usage, it is undeniable proof that guys are turned on by visual stimulus. It seems strange then that women - who generally spend a lot of effort on their appearance - don't think in visual terms when it actually comes to having sex. You don't have to put on a full cabaret act but keep in mind that our eyes are an erogenous zone too. Your goal should be to show him that you're sensual, open-minded and most of all that you're into him. Leave a light on, for a start. Be a bit of an exhibitionist - we like that. Undress sexily, touch yourself and make your man see that you want him. Badly. Like you have an itch that only he can scratch.
Talking off Topic
You've heard the well-known saying, 'Men have a one-track mind'. It's a well-known saying because it's true. It's especially true once we're out of our clothes. Going along with foreplay and then suddenly starting some turn-off talk is one of the most common sex mistakes that women make. Once we're in sex mode very little else interests us, so this is not a good time to raise an unrelated topic. Suddenly blurting out, 'Oh, by the way, Caitlin called about Tuesday...' when you're attempting The Inverted Wheelbarrow position is unlikely to get happy results. One thing at a time, please.
Always or never Initiating Sex
Continually playing either the helpless schoolgirl or the strict governess is a short cut to bedroom boredom. 'I once dated a girl who had the dominatrix thing going on,' says one friend of mine. 'At first it was really hot but after a while I wanted a change, and she really resisted that. It became tedious.' What's exciting sometimes isn't exciting every time. If you insist on always being dominant, you'll come across as being on some kind of power trip. Not attractive. If you insist on always being submissive, you'll seem sad and needy. Also not attractive. Learn to mix it up a little.
Stressing about your Body
Does anyone imagine that asking, 'Do my thighs look like croissants?' is a seductive way to start a sexual rendezvous? Didn't think so. But this is the sort of question some girls ask when clothes are being shed. We want you to focus on us, not yourself. Besides, we're unlikely to have noticed your 'flaws', so why draw our attention to them? If you keep going on about your thighs resembling a giant's breakfast we'll start to see that maybe you have a point.
Choosing a Naff Soundtrack
Playing music has long been a way of masking - from parents, housemates or bosses - the unmistakable sounds of sex. That said, never put your iPod on shuffle if you have ever enjoyed Chris de Burgh, Neil Diamond or any band with members who wear more makeup than you do. This may seem like a small detail, but don't underestimate it. I know a guy who left his girlfriend because she insisted on playing that 'Won't you take me to Funky Town...' song every time they had sex. After a while he didn't want to take her to funky town any more. Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Sounding like a Porn Star
Despite being pretty obscure in parts, the Kama Sutra is often right on the money. The passionate sounds that arise on the spur of the moment during sexual intercourse are individual and cannot be defined. 'They are as unique as dreams,' says the ancient Indian book of love. So repeating something you've heard in a 70s porn flick, such as 'Give it to me, big boy,' is probably going to sound a little contrived. It's only really sexy if we think you mean it, so if you're going to talk dirty, talk dirty as you. Putting on some fake Texan accent and telling your guy to ride you like a rodeo pony is more likely to produce uncontrollable laughter than an uncontrollable erection.
Calling each other Names
There are an infinite number of names for the parts of our anatomy involved in sex. In polite conversation, these parts are referred to as 'private'. Remember this when next you contemplate sharing your pet names for these parts with anyone else. This is one area of your sex life where it pays to be conservative. 'Pussy' and 'cock' are old favorites that never seem to go out of fashion. Interspersing these with the obligatory 'Oh yeah, oh yeah, right there,' is usually a safe bet. But please be wary of anything more imaginative. 'You want me to suck your man soldier?' or 'Put your rough rider in my dinkidoo' are just weird and unwelcome and will almost certainly spoil the mood.
Surprising us at The Back Door
We really appreciate that you are thinking of our G-spot, but a surprise rear finger intruder can cause untold trauma to the male body and psyche. Let this be known: you've got to give a little advance warning before you venture into the unknown. Start off slowly and then gradually progress further. If you take it step by step and don't try to rush things, he's bound to like it. Even if he went to a staunchly religious all-boys school. Actually, particularly if he went to that kind of school.
It's good that you tell us what you want sexually. But nobody likes a back-seat driver. Having you give directions, such as 'Take a left, no back a little, okay, slow down', during sex is really annoying. We like to feel that we're on top of our game and too much direction is likely to wound our pride. Instead of sounding like a sex GPS, direct us subtly. If we're still not getting it, say, 'Wow, I love it when you...' and then describe what it is that you like.
Not Doing those Exercises
With all those exercise fads out there, it's strange that women often neglect the muscles that really make a difference. Even I know that there are all sorts of pelvic exercises that women can do to help them get to grips with sex. You know that squeeze, contract, and release thing you can do? It feels awesome.
Spitting and Swallowing
I would imagine that guy juice is rather an acquired taste. But whether you choose to spit or to swallow, choose - and stick with it. Don't half-swallow and then pull a face as though you're on Fear Factor and have to gulp down live locusts. Similarly, if you've decided to spit, pull back a little when you know he's about to come. We'd rather you didn't run gagging and spluttering to the bathroom because it unexpectedly went down your throat.
Assuming there are No Double Standards
This brings us to the Great Milky Kiss Debate. Some things in this world are just not fair. Such as death, the price of fuel and the fact that guys don't want to kiss after they've come in your mouth. Yes, we always expect you to kiss us after we've gone down on you. Yes, we are bastards with double standards. No arguments there. Somehow we feel it's different for us. Don't ask us why.
Expecting us to Love your Pussy and your Cat
Freaky is good, but some things are just too freaky. I can deal with the fact that you love your cat. I can even deal with the fact that you have hundreds of pictures of it on your phone. But I really, really can't deal with your cat watching us when we have sex. Despite what you say, he's looking at me funny. I don't care if 'he doesn't mind' because I do. Also, if you let Mr Tiggles lick you on the face, I'm not coming anywhere near it.
It's impossible to get adventurous if you're going to point out everything that's wrong with a potential quickie location. Yes, pine needles are scratchy. Yes, club toilets are dirty. Doing it up against a wall or on the floor is uncomfortable, beaches are sandy and water does tend to wash away natural lubrication. Heads get bumped against cupboards, knees against coffee tables and elbows against garden gnomes. Roll with it and wear your bruises, scrapes and scratches proudly, like battle scars. You're hot when you're tough.
Handling a Penis like Anything Else
'I went out with a girl who held it like she was playing tennis,' says another of my frank friends. 'She'd grab it and sort of move it from side to side like she was practicing her forehand.' Please, girls, remember, when lending him a hand, that the male organ has a fairly limited range of motion, and a simple up-and-down will probably suffice. Bending is strictly verboten. However helpful it may be to think of it as such, it's not a piece of hosepipe, a martini glass, or something you can buy from a German deli. It's a penis. Treat it like one.
Expecting Fun and Games after Sex
You may have noticed that guys after sex are like cows out to pasture; satisfied and docile, but with very little brain activity going on. Suddenly jumping out of bed after orgasm and suggesting a game of Scrabble or a Pilates workout, or starting a conversation about which of the powers from Heroes we would most like to have, is not going to be really well received. Don't blame us, it's a biological thing. And if you really must know, it would probably be Hire's bending-space-and-time power. That would be cool.